


Die Near, Die

by reaperlight



Category: Bleach, Death Note, Death Note: Another Note, Dexter (TV), Halo, House M.D., Marvel, Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Portal (Video Game), Star Wars - All Media Types, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, Transformers (Bay Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Movie Fusion, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Character Death, Character Name In Title, Crack, Crack Pairing, Crossover, Dark Comedy, Dark Lord, Fate Worse Than Death, Foursome - M/M/M/M, Ghost Sex, Ghosts, Going to Hell, Gore, Haunting, Hulk Smash, Humor, Immortality, Internet, Karate, Long Lost/Secret Relatives, M/M, Mad Science, Male Homosexuality, Meme, Mistaken Identity, Nightmares, OMG they killed Kenny, Parody, Revenge, Revenge fic, Robots, Screenplay/Script Format, Songfic, Tenacious D - Freeform, Trolling, Video & Computer Games, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, buttmonkey, crosses the line twice, hatefic, lost the game, mega crossover, minor character man, n00b, poser, reviewer participation, villainous alliance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-09
Updated: 2012-06-09
Packaged: 2017-11-07 08:58:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/429227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reaperlight/pseuds/reaperlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Self-explanatory. LightxL and MattxMello if you squint.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Die Near, Die

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I don't own Death Note.
> 
> Originally posted on fanfiction.net. 
> 
> This is Crack and obviously a HateFic. NOT for Near fans. (wait this douchebag that replaced L and fucking mindraped Light has FANS?)
> 
> Also apologies to Australia.
> 
> As for Near... you know what you can do...

Die, Near, Die.

Or thirteen-something ways to kill Near…

1) Near, that's Nate River spelled N-A-T-E R-I-V-E-R...

***

2) We open on an overly dramatic scene featuring falling, bouncing dice... and people dying in dramatic ways. Meanwhile Near choked to death when one of the dice bounced into his open mouth.

***

3) Yellow Box Warehouse

Near dies of a heart attack (boring I know...)

Near: How? It was a fake... gak BLARG!

Light: You replaced a fake, dumbass. I win.

***

 

4) Variation 2

Light: Near is Kira, take him away... (Death by… lethal injection! Have a nice day!)

***

5) Variation 3

That giant squeaking fan comes lose for some Near slice and dice action…

***

 

6) Variation 4

Mikami broke free of his shackles like the Incredible Hulk, he ran up to Near and screamed... "Kick the baby!"

"No kick the baby!" Near protested as he was punted across the room like a football and splattered on the opposite wall…. and like blood and guts flew everywhere.

Matsuda: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED NEAR!

Gevanni: YOU BASTARDS!

***

7) Variation 5

Near: You lost the Game!

Teh Internet: GET HIM! (*group beating in progress*)

***

8) Near was doing his super-thinking-eyes-glow-white-and-playing-with-dominos-mode. Unfortunately for him, one domino was slightly misaligned and so it hit the nearby (get it) unbalanced Lego tower instead.

The rest of the SPK found him crushed to death a few days later.

***

9) "SHUT UP, NEAR!" Mello withdrew his pistol and aimed it at the albino freak who had just used him like it was nothing…

"Mello, if you want to shoot me go ahead and…"

BLAM!

***

 

10) Near sat around making racist LEGO caricatures of the Japanese Taskforce so that he could shoot them later like the creepy dick that he is...

…and then Near was randomly killed by a band of roving ninjas.

***

11) Mello had worked really hard on his science project. REALLY HARD. So hard, in fact it might just beat Near's, and Near couldn't have that with L coming to visit soon, not at all, so in a clever plan he decided to muddle with the ingredients… these were rather volatile….and because it is THIS fic, Near got doused with acid and then died in the resulting explosion and Mello got First Place in the Science Fair because his project was so awesome and it became like the basis of some new kind of rocket fuel.

***

 

12) As Near was looking over the dossiers of the Japanese taskforce he told Commander Rester "Kira can only be one man, Light Yaga—"

…and then it turned out that one of Near's toy robots was actually a Decepticon.

The resulting explosion could be seen from orbit. (Yes, even bigger explosions! Thanks Michael Bay!)

***

 

13) "Bring him to me."

"Yes, my Lord."

Mello was blindfolded, bound, and gagged. Some creepy long haired guy in a trenchcoat had grabbed him off the street and now he was being made to Kneel Before Zod... er Kira…

"Mihael Keehl…"

Mello sucked in his breath.

"You killed my father, crippled my sister," oh crap! This wasn't just about Kira, this was personal… could only be… Light Yagami… "and you are nothing but a common criminal. I should kill you right now… However…"

What? 

"…we share a common foe… there is one who I hate even more than you. N. That little shit keeps calling me at all hours of the day and night and I just can't stand it."

Mikami loosened the gag and let Mello speak.

"What do you propose?"

"Help me kill Near and I shall spare your life… furthermore L's title is yours, we can pretend to fight each other while secretly ruling the world together. What say you?"

"Can I have Australia, it's mostly criminals anyway?" (Once again, with Apologies to Australia).

"Done."

So together they hatch a plan so awesome and diabolical it could not be transcribed in this lameass fic.

Later…

Mello: Haha! I had a plan to betray you all along.

Light: I knew it! In fact, normally I would have killed you by now too... But I would advise against it. You risk angering powers far beyond mortal ken.

Mello: What, you mean the Shinigami?

Light: No far worse. Fangirls I have discovered that they hold the ultimate power of our universe. And our permanent deaths would anger them…. Though apparently we can still fight as long as it leads to sex.

Mello: Wha—? Er… well I already have a boyfriend.

Matt: Yo. * waves.*

Light: Threesome it is then…

And then Mikami joined in too and it was a foursome.

Owari.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own NOTHING!
> 
> Back by reviewer demands. 
> 
> Now with 50% more bad puns and Transformers references.
> 
> Also this chapter Darkfire359 and Fairylust provided some additional ideas on how to kill Near on fanfiction.net.

1) Near calls the Japanese Taskforce HQ. Matsuda answers the phone…

"I am... Near."

Matsuda scratched his head. "You're near what?"

"I'm Near!"

Just then Light came back from getting a cup of coffee. "Hey, Matsuda, who is it?"

"I don't know, he won't say..."

"Near!" the anonymous person shouted again.

Matsuda sighed "I think it's a prank call..."

"Yeah, tell him we're trying to catch Kira here. We don't have time for such childish pranks."

(Thus Light never came into contact with Near, the case was never solved, and there was much rejoicing throughout the land.)

2) Idea by Darkfire359

Near remained calm as the angry mob stormed their headquarters. "No need to worry, we'll just use L's legacy and the counter-protesters we hired."

There was much facepalming done by the rest of the SPK. "Dammit, Near! We can't implement that plan! You spent that money, remember?"

Flashback: 

Gevanni watched with some concern as Near stared obsessively at the computer monitor. "Limited edition Megatron! Only one left? Noooo! No one else can have you! You're mine!"

Gevanni balked when he saw Near enter the bid number.

"You're really going to spend that much on toys?"

"Silence! They're not toys! They're limited edition figurines! I must have them! Yes… I must keep Megatron locked away and in mint condition! This is our mission, Gevanni! The fate of the world depends on it! First Megatron… then Kira!"

Now: 

"Oh..." was all Near had to say for himself as they were ripped apart by the Kira supporters.

3) Idea by Fairylust

Near should have been more suspicious when a giant UPS box arrived outside of SPK headquarters.

Near read the tag aloud.

"'Happy birthday, Near. We know how much you like robots so we took the time out of trying to catch Kira, and taking over the world and… screwing each other' too much information, guys 'to build you one. Meet the Chocobot 9000.' Signed Mello and Matt. Oh how sweet, thanks guys!"

Near constructed the easy-build robot and switched it on…

And a cheery feminine voice announced: "You will be baked and then there will be chocolate cake!"

In hindsight he shouldn't have installed the flamethrowers…

The robot sang cheerily as it chased down Near.

"This was a triumph / I'm making a note here huge success…"

"There's your problem," said Gevanni after they stopped the rampaging robot and what was left of Near was mulched and smoldering on the ground. "Someone flipped its morality switch to evil... The Operating System is suspect too."

4) Upon meeting the top U.S. law officials that would have formed the SPK they took one look at Near with his creepy grins... and promptly arrested him for being a pedophile.

5) As Near left the SPK headquarters and went outside for the first time in years he forgot to wear sunscreen and immediatly developed skin cancer.

6 and 7)

Optimus Prime: Near get the Allspark to the top of the building!

Near: *panting* I've never engaged in physical exercise before!

Ironhide: Move your albino ass before Megatron blows it off!

Megatron: Give me the cube, boy!

*Near falls off the skyscraper, Optimus lunges to catch him...*

Near: *dying* I thought the giant robot hand was supposed to save human lives! *is dead*

Near wakes up panting to see a familiar figure sitting at the edge of his bed, facing away from hin.

"Thank god, Matt! I just had the worst nightmare..." Near told the guy in the red striped shirt.

Near failed to see that "Matt's" hands were covered in metal claw gloves…

"That so?" said Freddie Krueger.

8) (You know what? Just check out AMV Hell's dead baby comedy…)

Near: I've never ridden a plane before!

Steward: Hello, I'll be your steward for the flight, my name is Jack.

Near: *waves* Oh, hi Jack!

Angry mob: Get him!

9) Near wakes up strapped to a table covered in plastic bags.

"Hello there. Dexter Morgan, pleased to meet you. Too bad you don't have your Death Note with you."

"Wha— What are you talking about?"

"A very nice cop by the name of Touta Matsuda seemed to be under the impression you've been a very bad boy and while I don't approve of Kira I approve even less of a sanctimonious bastard such as yourself. Of course I made sure. The Code of Harry demands it."

Dexter presented the incriminating Death Note pages written in Near's handwriting.

 _No, I thought I destroyed those!_

Dexter cut his cheek with the blade. "I just wanted to thank you for our time together. It's been very enjoyable."

"You're a monster!"

"I know... Goodbye, "L". See you on the other side."

10)

Near (Captain Obvious): I am in Japan now...

Random guy on the street: Run its Godzilla!

Masi Oka: It looks like Godzilla but due to international copyright laws, it is not.

Near looked up just in time to see the giant green foot crashing through the ceiling...

*splat!*

Random guy: Still we should run like it is Godzilla!

Masi Oka: Though it isn't.

All together now: AAAAGHH!

11) The SPK was taking their first vacation in years, coincidentally all at the same time, leaving Near all alone.

"He'll be alright. There's plenty of food in the kitchen..."

However since the food always magically appeared, presented to him by his peons er… employees Near could not figure out how to open the easy open tab or use a can opener and so he starved to death.

12) "You have yielded to the power of the Shinigami and the Notebook and have confused yourself with a God. Light Yagami you are Kira! Let's see you talk your way out of this one, if you can..."

Light sighed. He had so hoped to save this for later on a more worthy opponent...

"Alright, I'll show it to you..."

"Huh?"

"Near... I have only one thing to say to you... _BANKAI!_ "

The wind blew dramatically and in a poof of smoke there was Light, Kira, wearing flowing traditional black robes and wielding a giant scythe weapon that sliced Near into itty bitty bits.

13) "Woooooo~! I am the Ghost of L."

Near blinked at the ghost of the raven-panda detective.

"And you're here to haunt me or something?"

"Actually I'm here to fuck with... I mean haunt Kira but I just wanted to tell you, you suck. You suck balls."

*Near goes into blue screen of death mode.*

"You're an embarrassment to my title and to Wammy's! That's why before my highly unlikely death I decided to bequeath my title to a very nice boy I randomly met on the Kira case who, unlike you loser, is actually competent… So stop bothering him. (Only I get to do that.)"

"You're talking about Kira?"

"He makes a better L then you do. Here's an FYI, to be L you need to know how to properly manipulate people that aren't made of Legos."

Near eyed the package ghost!L was holding which contained pink fuzzy handcuffs and...

"Is that lube?"

"Right, I'm going back to haunting Kira now."

Near could hear how his mentor's breath hitched at the mention of Kira's name.

"...and his tight little..."

Apparently Near does not approve of yaoi at least when it involves his mentor and Kira and bled to death upon gouging his eyes out.


	3. Die Near Die Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I own Mu, I mean nothing.
> 
> Also some ideas by Darkfire359, Yum Yum Girl, Greenkittenkid4 from fanfiction.net as part of the "How to kill Near" challenge.

00000

Die Near Die Episode III: Revenge of the Sith 

1) Near gets run through with a lightsaber when a Jedi mistakes him for a clone of Emperor Palpatine.

2) At Wammy's House Mello, Matt, and Near come downstairs to greet L who has just returned home from his latest case... chained to another man.

L: Hey kids, this is Light Yagami—your new daddy!

Light: I come bearing gifts! Chocolate and the newest game system.

Mello and Matt: He can stay.

Near: He's Kira.

Matt: [not looking up from his new handheld] So?

Mello: [munching chocolate] He's not killing anybody now.

Matt: L says he doesn't remember or something...

Near: You guys really see no problem with this?

Mello: If L's happy then... Nope.

The new family minus Near are having fun playing Halo together.

Onscreen a fierce battle rages-Red Spartan and Pink Spartan versus Blue Spartan and Black Spartan.

Light: Dammit!

Matt: You know I'm on your team, right? Blowing me up is counterproductive. [Matt says to Light, going crazy with the sticky blue grenades]

Light: I'm not trying to! I just haven't played in forever... shit.

*L and Mello high-five as they win another round.*

Near watches the little surrogate family having a good time and is getting jealous and angry. Finally he can't take it anymore. Near marches over and gives a sharp yank on the game system's power cord—too hard in fact as the cord breaks in his hands and Near electrocutes himself.

3) Idea by Darkfire

Near is rushed to the emergency room upon developing a dangerously high fever and chronic muscles pains.

Doctor House, M.D.: You have Cadmium poisoning. Congratulations.

Rester: Didn't you hear the news about toys from China? Those toys you ordered were recalled.

*Cause of death was Not Lupus.*

4) Idea inspired by Yum Yum Girl

Gevanni, sick of being treated as expendable cannon fodder, or worse the buttmonkey just snaps one day. Fearing for his mental health Gevanni decides to get help, paying five cents at the corner psychologist's booth where "Doctors" Mello and Kira suggest that a prescription of acid... in Near's drink would be the best remedy. Gevanni's strained smile widens as he readily agreed. Near dies a horrible, lingering death.

5) _Near, you are far inferior to L. You have NO RIGHT to be wearing a mask of L!_ Light silently raged as he and the SPK and Japanese Taskforce waited around in the dank, dirty rat-infested warehouse for a half hour...

And one of the rats bit Near and he dies of rabies.

6)

Take 2

 _Near, you are far inferior to L. You have NO RIGHT to be wearing a mask of L!_ Light silently raged as he and the SPK and Japanese Taskforce waited around in the dank, dirty rat-infested warehouse for a half hour...

"It's been thirty minutes! No one's here!" Matsuda complained, "Lose the mask!"

Near slumps lifelessly to the floor.

"Near...?" Light asked affecting a concerned tone.

Halle Lidner soon confirmed that Near suffocated under the cheap plastic L-mask.

7 and 8) Idea by Greenkittenkid4 + crazy fanon gone wild

"What's the matter Mello Yellow?"

The little blonde boy sniffled, he didn't even have to look to recognize the voice of Backup or Beyond as he preferred to be called. Mello always thought the older boy was a bit creepy but he was the only one who ever listened...

"It's Near again. He destroyed my school project and made it look like an accident. And he called me a doodie head!"

Beyond rolled his eyes until Mello added. "In front of L."

Well that was a different matter entirely.

Teen!Beyond ruffed lil!Mello's hair.

"Heh heh, don't worry about it. You just concentrate on studying. Near will get what's coming to him sooner or later."

After Mello left Beyond cackled to himself. "Kyahahah. Definitely Sooner."

After a quick trip to the kitchen where he absconded with the strawberry jam, a kitchen knife, and a basket full of apples, Beyond went up to the roof of Wammy's House and put the apples where they would be visible from the sky and shouted "Dad! Get your ass down here you damn, deadbeat Deathgod! I know you're watching!" There was a flap of dark wings and Ryuk alighted on the cross on top of the chapel tower.

"Quit your whining, I'm here! This had better be good..."

"I want to make a Deal... I promise I'll make it worth your while."

Ryuk listened and his ghastly grin widened even further...

Near awoke tied up with Beyond Birthday beating him repeatedly.

"What are you doing?" Near screamed in agony.

"I'm trying to see if it's possible for a human being to die of blood loss without breaking the skin. Teehee," giggled Beyond Birthday. However this sadly ended in failure as Near convulsed, shook, but remained alive. Beyond shrugged got out his knife and proceeded to splash pretty red color on the bleak white canvas...

Near opened his eyes.

"Am I dead?" Near thought aloud as he awoke in a pile of ash, he was in a dark and dusty world… and he was surrounded by monsters.

"Yep!" The many-fanged monster chirped happily. "Hi there, names Ryuk! You'll be seeing a lot of me since I got a special request from a friend of mine that I take your soul out of Mu and torment you for eternity."

"W-what about them?" Near asked nervously of the monsters who were watching and waiting.

"When I told them what I was doing they wanted to help too. They have nothing else to do."

Near screamed as the monsters started ripping him apart.

"You called his friend a doodie head."

9)

Near: Mello, you are a thousand years too early! I will always win, I will always be number one, it's pointless. You might as well quit now.

*Matt is wearing his trademark goggles and for some reason Mello is shirtless and has donned a pair of giant sunglasses.*

Mello (shouting): WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?

*Summon up a galaxy-sized robot through sheer force of will.*

Mello and Matt start singing: "Yo yo fight the powa! Yo yo fight the powa!"

*Near realizes he is fucked.*

10) Wammy's House, the playground:

Mello: Hey Near, did you hear? Today we're playing dodge ball!

Near: I decline.

Mello: That's okay, you're the ball!

11) Idea by YumYumGirl

"Are you sure that this will jumpstart my singing career?" Near asked as he was about to record a duet with Justin Bieber.

Suddenly everyone present died of heart attacks or drug overdose even if they never ever used drugs (nu wai!).

Meanwhile Light watched the news.

"Hmm…. This "Celebrity Kira" is becoming a problem." The pedo pop star and the annoying guy from the towel commercials he agreed with on general principal but if this continued it would end up pushing people away from Kira.

12)

Mello: [opens fridge] WTF? Where's my chocolate pocky?

Glances over to the couch where Near is sleeping, chocolate is smeared all over his face. 

Mello: Hey Near! You ate my fucking chocolate?

*Mello punches Near awake.* 

Near: Wha—? What?

Mello: You ate my fucking chocolate!

Near: [not quite awake yet] You put it in there… if you put it in there its fair game!

Mello: Oh really, you know what else is fair game? HiYA!

Near: Ow! What the hell?

Mello: That was a karate chop. KiYA!

Near: Ow! OW! Cut it out, Mello!

Mello: [singing] *With karate I'll kick your ass / from here to right over there…* 

Captain Obvious: Never take Mello's chocolate if you want to live.

13)

Meanwhile

Light: Happy birthday, Ryuuzaki!

L: Aw chocolate pocky, Light? You shouldn't have. [They snuggle]

Watari: Ryuuzaki, I'm afraid I have some grave news. Near… is dead.

Light: [thinking] Just As Planned.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Stupid, I know. I wrote it while high on cough syrup.
> 
> Got any more suggestions on how to kill Near? Then Review!


End file.
